totally pointless

I’ve been so speechless lately; can’t speak or even think of something to say or write. I can’t even proceed with anything I started earlier. I really have no idea why that happened, but possibly because lately I feel like I lost my muse or I am rather trying to deny it; yes that’s it, denial …or maybe I’m still finding it hard to believe that I realized what I now know and understand…I don’t know…and suddenly I was attacked by a lot of thoughts that at a certain moment I thought I might break down or something till I decided to let it out in words, because most of the time when things are just in your head you can’t look at them in a way that helps you to understand what they want from you; if you can do that anyway

Still the same old idea of being weak and attached to something so much and being unable to let it go, which makes one do things that might sound ok at the time, but by the time you are sober; you start wondering how you could do that?! A dilemma I’d say…still can’t figure it out

And then, why do people always find it hard to take life as it is, and fit them selves into it
And just simply give up the idea of trying to change the world!!!!!! Or changing people or asking them to change or even hoping they would change!!!

This is so selfish!
In fact I consider that more selfish than any other thing in the world; when you want to change the world for your own sake
And asking someone to change is just awful
People can change if they want it, but they would never change when they’re asked to
People would know what to change especially if you overlook their faults or even praise it
People will change by love, tenderness and faith
Or not change at all; what the hell is wrong with that! Accept it and live with it as long as it’s not hurting anybody!

But what’s really irritating is realizing that you could possibly do things that were always against your believes and morals; not realizing that you are actually doing it
But at a certain point of your life, when you step outside yourself and look back at you; you can see clearly that you ARE doing it and you’re not even feeling guilty about it but it sometimes gives your pleasure doing this thing

What comes last but not least is the importance of realizing how small we are in the universe, compared to any other creation…tiny, meaningless and not at all of the least importance
I’ve always believed that Man is nothing compared to rocks and mountains (What are men to rocks and mountains?... Jane Austen)
I think this is what we need to realize that life is so short and that what ever we try to do we will never be fair enough to at least ourselves, and being fair to your self is all your life is about
So why live an uncompleted life? Live and die without doing most of the things we want to do! Die with just a half-lived life? I believe most people live this way, or maybe all of them except very few. I wanted to be one of the very few but I failed utterly. I wanted to stop trying to live it as I think I should, but I failed myself again. And I’m going to give it one more try…
Imagine if you were able to say or do everything you want to; without keeping anything unsaid or undone because it's not making sense or because it's not the right time to say or do so, or even because you think it's useless to say it anyway. So what if it were useless to say something; wouldn't hurt if you say it, right? So why not say it in such a case. If it's not the right time to say it; can you guarantee that's you'll live till the right time comes? If it's not making sense; let me ask where's the sense in saying good morning or good night to someone? I cannot see any sense in that, except sometimes if you say it in a way that you really care, and it can brighten up someone's face! And even light up his life!
Totally pointless…I’m stepping back inside…