undefined state of happiness

been so happy lately for no good reason at all :) but being happy is good .... regardless that there's no need to be happy really; now this is something I can be worried about I mean there are reasons why I should be happy, but it's not the actual reason why I feel happy at the moment and if I went deeper into it, and gave it a little thought I'll finally realize that I shouldn't at all be happy on the contrary I should be very concerned and upset and this brings me to anther thing, is happiness a choice? do people choose to be happy?? I might say that I do that, most of the time I choose to be happy like when something happens and it is supposed to be very sad and upsetting but it's being analyzed in a way to make it quite the opposite (of course it's me who do the analysis) so, I end up feeling happy and satisfied when I'm supposed to be angry and mad and raging with fury.... this is different of course from being inconsiderate or shallow.... but when you're the kind of person who can be easily wrapped up in your sadness and misery, you'll do everything you can to avoid being there... what is really annoying and can get right out of this mood of unexplained happiness, is taxi drivers.... God bless hem :S but, instead I started to try a different strategy now, and that is talking to the guy (an advice from a very wise man) I'm never afraid of talking to strangers as long as it's not at night, a rather quiet street or on a public transportation (I believe that it's a smart and easy way to be robbed, someone talking to you and having your full attention while another gets all they want from your handbag or whatever) but the taxi is not public, it's supposed to be a decent private means of transportation; but of course when you get on the taxi and smell the horrible odor of both the vehicle and the driver, you get stunned instantly (I do) and when he starts to go on his way, and you find it hard to even hear your phone ringing because of the noise coming out of every part of the car ...... and the driver; who's always playing something in whatever he uses to play songs (I tried to figure it out so many times but i never succeeded as i never saw 2 similar devices, it's not a cassette player or a radio, it's ....... whatever.....) so, you're stunned and then startled by the noise bursting out from all around you; and then you are numb for the rest of the way finally, you NEVER reach your destination because it's always a long, hard, and winding road :| i mean u NEVER get where you want no way you would.... are you expecting the taxi to take you just everywhere and anywhere?!!! can't you be grateful he got you just as close.... what's wrong with humans?!!!!!!!!!! are they always as greedy as that, can't they ever have enough?!!!!!!!!!!!! can't you use your feet and legs while you can!!!!!!!!!!!!! after the long and rather tiring journey, you're safe and sound ....and moreover disciplined... and you become more considering, appreciative and aware of your duties towards your fellow taxi drivers so, by recently talking with taxi drivers and having rather long conversations with them I can say that they are humans after all .... a very strange category of humans though ..... very amusing and imaginative, excellent narrators and the best thing about that (having that conversation), is getting safe and sound out of that taxi and paying a rather fair fare :D and most of the time being asked not to pay at all (but they take the money eventually of course) this is ideal for long distance rides as you'll amuse yourself for a while, and you won't have to pay all you got for that :) so, by getting over most of the taxi drivers, I can say that there's no reason at all to get me out of the undefined mood of happiness :D THANK GOD! a very Important note: I wrote this note on 11th of April, and now I can say that the good feeling's gone......I hate taxis, taxi drivers, any one who dares to tell me to get on a taxi or who takes a taxi themselves :S but, it never got me out of the undefined and dominant feeling of happiness :D curse you taxi driversssssssssssss :@

a change of mind . . . so what?!!!

I thought I would never do that, I was so convinced I was right, I had all the reasons to support me all the way! But after a while I changed my mind...so what?!!! And I do that all the time! Why changing one’s mind is is always considered weakness or a kind of hesitance; a fault, and people should be blamed for changing their mind! Why do people think you're wrong if you changed your mind about a certain thing, thought or situation! I have always had my mind changing for as long as I can remember, and I never thought it was wrong if you change your mind. Change is the only thing that never changes in life; there's always a change in something and all things have got to change at a certain point if not all the time. Then why people grant themselves the right to judge those who change their minds?! Isn’t change natural? Why then in this particular case it is considered wrong and not preferred or sometimes allowed! I think changing your mind is healthy in a way. And it's unfair if you never changed your mind, because you will be simply a one-way thinking person; not giving your thoughts a second chance to grow and develop!!!...and CHANGE! Right?! and maybe sometimes it's good to change your mind...and obviously right, but just for the sake of the concept people stick to their heads and become stubborn so no one might never ever say they changed their mind; as if it's a shame to do so!!! Changing your mind is really helpful and useful. I know people whose life is really messed up because of that they never like to change their mind! People who don't talk to each other, friends, families, and it's all because no one wants to admit that deep down they want to change their mind but they just can't! Sometimes pride and dignity overwhelm us; poor miserable humans, making us think we're the ultimate persons ever lived! well, just taking a look at all who passed away, and realising we can overlook so many unimportant things in life, to be brave enough to change our mind, and never being ashamed of having second thoughts. People sometimes seek help on how to hold on to their opinions and thoughts, when they are ought to get a lot of help on how to be more flexible and accept the fact that they might after all change their mind. I think I might change my mind later about this whole thing, and think the way people are thinking....who knows!!! I definitely don't! But I think I might Because it's my right to change my mind

just an extraordinary man

He is my knight in a shining armor…my hero…my angel…my savior…my inspiration… He’s been my companion for years, my true friend and soul mate…

He was there with me when I was a little girl, and as I grew up he was guiding me and was the one to supply my mind and soul with so many noble, classic and chivalry thoughts and manners…that despite the life we’re living, still breathing somewhere inside of me. Today is a special day…and I decided I might talk about him just a little bit.

Well, first I’d like to take a few lines to describe him…how he looked and how he was…
He was a fairly tall, well built and a rather handsome fellow With fair hair and light coloured eyes; sparkling eyes…eyes that used to look at you in a way as if saying “hello, nice to meet you” and actually meaning it…smart eyes that were always observing and wandering; memorizing… His cheeks were red; it’s not as if he looked childish but he had a fair -enough- complexion that made every detail in his face as clear as the sun, and his cheeks were always in a raised position where you might think they’re about to touch his lower eyelashes at a certain point as he smiled…and it seemed as if he was born smiling, for the smile was barely off his face. And two very lovely dimples (I love dimples) that used to show off as he smiled; that’s how he looked…

He was a true knight and a great rider. And above that, he had all the noble characteristics of a proper knight. He was a true honest man, a light hearted one too. He was usually mistaken for an ordinary funny and romantic guy, one who only thought of love and romance. Hardly anyone ever saw through what he was thinking or talking about all the time. And this I learned from him; I don’t have to say it out loud and clear unless it’s worth it and I’m sure it’ll make the difference it’s supposed to make; other than that, I’ll say it my way and those who’ll get it, are those who are meant for that…and nothing else matters.
He made a joke out of everything in life, even if the joke had to be on him or the ones he loved. At a certain point in his life, for the sake of the joke; he’d have gladly given his life.
He was a very loving son to a brilliant father, who was in fact only a more sophisticated version of his son! And yet was so simple and raw that you might never notice how deep he really was. Once he was supposed to finish a book written by his father after he had died (his father was a well noted poet and writer). His father wrote about 400 pages and there were about a 100 more to go. He had it finished in 10 pages! And it didn’t feel so much different, they said. It felt all the same as if written by the father but only very much summarized! What a man!

He was the first to tell me about Love in all its forms. He was the reason why I’m enjoying my life to the fullest. He was the first to tell me that love was not only a way to get a guy; but a way to live life lovingly…he was the one who told me that I better not waste my emotions unless I was a thousand percent sure, and that it’s not wrong to confess Love even if you won’t be with your love after all, just letting people know about the Love in your heart is the point; possession is nothing of Love. Love means freedom; and it cannot live imprisoned, neither possessed. He taught me how to keep my love in my heart and mind. And never let go of memories that one day meant the whole world. Because there might come a day when I might need those memories; when they would probably be my only companion.
He showed me the greater kind of Love; Love for your home and where you grew up, Love for your family in which you have no choice, Love for the sake of Love itself. He showed me that for Love, I should gladly give my life…even if it meant to be killed by the hands of those I loved…again it’s all about ALL the Love in the world! He showed me how to forgive, even if I never loved; no matter how big the mistake was, simply because forgiveness is the noblest of all human feelings. And he also showed when to never forgive or forget, no matter how small the fault was.

Now; I’m really grateful for this. Among the things he taught me was a brilliant way to spend any class sleeping without anyone noticing it! Or how to trick some people into a certain….no, I won’t say that…it’s a trick! He believed that no one needs anything to be creative in something, because it’s all about faith…in God & yourself to start!
He is my all time favorite person, and I bet if he had lived till this day…I would wanted to be his shadow, just his shadow…but he came and gone before my time but never even slightly failed to capture my heart, mind, tears and laughs….
He made me cry till I had no more tears in my eyes to shed
He made me laugh till I felt that I’m just one laugh away from losing my breath forever

I’ve been with many people in his company….and creatures! Not just many people; ALL kinds of people
I’ve been with kings, queens, knights, poets, great writers, rebels, riots, warriors, leaders, lovers, liars, tramps, actors, doctors, even fishermen, undefined characters; and they’re countless…but somehow they found their way in his world.
I’ve even been with Angels and Devils…

If it were for me, I’d say he’s the most decent, intellect, sweet-mannered, hilarious, romantic and realistic writer ever lived in this country. I have to stop here, or I’ll never stop.

On a day like this one, he was born; to make my life only slightly different
Killed by those whom he loved & defended, till his last breath!...
what a life!!! May God bless his soul, may he rest in peace…I’m sure he is.

ماذا سيكون تأثير الموت علي؟
وعلى الآخرين؟ لا شيء..
ستنشر الصحافة نبأ موتي
كخبر مثير ليس لأني مت
بل لأن موتي سيقترن
بحادثة مثيرة.

يوسف السباعي

من رواية طائر بين المحيطين 1971

totally pointless

I’ve been so speechless lately; can’t speak or even think of something to say or write. I can’t even proceed with anything I started earlier. I really have no idea why that happened, but possibly because lately I feel like I lost my muse or I am rather trying to deny it; yes that’s it, denial …or maybe I’m still finding it hard to believe that I realized what I now know and understand…I don’t know…and suddenly I was attacked by a lot of thoughts that at a certain moment I thought I might break down or something till I decided to let it out in words, because most of the time when things are just in your head you can’t look at them in a way that helps you to understand what they want from you; if you can do that anyway

Still the same old idea of being weak and attached to something so much and being unable to let it go, which makes one do things that might sound ok at the time, but by the time you are sober; you start wondering how you could do that?! A dilemma I’d say…still can’t figure it out

And then, why do people always find it hard to take life as it is, and fit them selves into it
And just simply give up the idea of trying to change the world!!!!!! Or changing people or asking them to change or even hoping they would change!!!

This is so selfish!
In fact I consider that more selfish than any other thing in the world; when you want to change the world for your own sake
And asking someone to change is just awful
People can change if they want it, but they would never change when they’re asked to
People would know what to change especially if you overlook their faults or even praise it
People will change by love, tenderness and faith
Or not change at all; what the hell is wrong with that! Accept it and live with it as long as it’s not hurting anybody!

But what’s really irritating is realizing that you could possibly do things that were always against your believes and morals; not realizing that you are actually doing it
But at a certain point of your life, when you step outside yourself and look back at you; you can see clearly that you ARE doing it and you’re not even feeling guilty about it but it sometimes gives your pleasure doing this thing

What comes last but not least is the importance of realizing how small we are in the universe, compared to any other creation…tiny, meaningless and not at all of the least importance
I’ve always believed that Man is nothing compared to rocks and mountains (What are men to rocks and mountains?... Jane Austen)
I think this is what we need to realize that life is so short and that what ever we try to do we will never be fair enough to at least ourselves, and being fair to your self is all your life is about
So why live an uncompleted life? Live and die without doing most of the things we want to do! Die with just a half-lived life? I believe most people live this way, or maybe all of them except very few. I wanted to be one of the very few but I failed utterly. I wanted to stop trying to live it as I think I should, but I failed myself again. And I’m going to give it one more try…
Imagine if you were able to say or do everything you want to; without keeping anything unsaid or undone because it's not making sense or because it's not the right time to say or do so, or even because you think it's useless to say it anyway. So what if it were useless to say something; wouldn't hurt if you say it, right? So why not say it in such a case. If it's not the right time to say it; can you guarantee that's you'll live till the right time comes? If it's not making sense; let me ask where's the sense in saying good morning or good night to someone? I cannot see any sense in that, except sometimes if you say it in a way that you really care, and it can brighten up someone's face! And even light up his life!
Totally pointless…I’m stepping back inside…