a long way in between

I walked down that street again… I never thought I’d miss this place… I never realized I really missed it till I was there; just one-last-time more…
But today, there was no sun shining over my head, no heat burning my skin, no glare to blind my eyes. But there was wind; so strong that I thought it might rip my clothes apart. There were dark clouds; so heavy with rain that I feared it might collapse over me any moment. There was thunder that made me think I lost my ears after each time it called my name. There was water everywhere… I could not see the ground… why did I want to see it anyway!!!.... Yes! I was looking for something. But I didn’t know what it was I’m looking for…
As I looked down, I saw my reflection in the water. There I stood; with my hair tied behind my neck, and coming down my right shoulder… my eyes were red, as if I haven’t slept for days… there was a big scar in my forehead, which seemed fresh, and not yet totally healed… my skin was as pale as a corpse left in the cold for months… my coat was wet and muddy…what on earth have I been doing to myself?!!! I had a bag hanging down my left shoulder.
I took the bag in my hands, opened it to see what was inside. There was a notebook; that’s the first thing I could see. I took it out; I knew this notebook like I knew myself… or even better. I knew what was written on each and every page. But when I opened it, I couldn’t read. The words were all so blurry… there wasn’t a single word I could read… my hand moved over the pages; and not so surprisingly they were soaking wet!!! It fell from my hand… and I felt my heart falling away with it…I didn’t even move a muscle to try to get it from where it fell… instead; I kept checking what else was in my bag.
The first thing that came out in my hand was a scrap of paper; old and torn with age, it seemed… with only a date on it. I put it back there… I knew what it meant to me. This was the proof I existed back then… without it, I’d have been dead long before now. My hands searched the bag again; and out came a book. The book I’ve read over a hundred times. I couldn’t help the smile from showing on my face. I was about to open the book, when suddenly lightening struck; so bright almost blinding me for a second. I knew that in a few seconds I’d be hearing the most fearsome sound I ever heard… what’s the hurry for?!.... My hands; still holding on to my book moved over my ears, desperately trying to block the sound. But it called again. This time louder and clearer than any time before. It shook up the deepest part of me, I even felt my heart paused then until the sound was gone. I looked at the clouds, still heavy with rain…but it wouldn’t come down yet.
I looked back at my book; I wanted to open it… But I was even more afraid to find that the words might have been faded like mine. So frightened I opened it, and to my surprise; it opened exactly on my favourite line… ” You mean, dont you, that I am the first man that has ever taken you quite seriously?” I heard a laugh… but I doubted it was actually me; laughing…
Feeling rather satisfied, I closed the book and put it back in my bag. And when I was getting my hand out, it got stuck. Something caught my sleeve in there. I tried to pull my hand out, and as it moved out I felt my sleeve being torn apart!!! I put in my other hand; more cautiously this time, trying to find out what caught my hand in there. It came out so tiny, shiny and sharp. A small hook tied to a thin thread.
With the hook still in my hand, I remembered I was looking for something which I didn’t know. I started walking again, but I stepped over something as I started to walk. I looked down and it was my notebook which I never cared to pick up or even see where it landed… I stepped over it, still looking down and trying to remember what I came here to look for. My left hand moved over my forehead, feeling the scar that I saw just a while ago. It hurt when I touched it. I had no idea how it came to me… or when! I walked for hours and hours, but still I couldn’t remember what I was looking for.
And when I raised my head, I saw a wall; not so far from where I stood. It looked familiar from this distance. I felt that something was pushing me there, so, slowly I started to run. My feet felt lighter as I approached that wall. And the pain in my head just grew stronger and stronger… as I got closer; the wall seemed to grow higher! So I started to run faster. And when I finally got there, it was growing even faster than before. I remembered the hook in my hand. It was small, but it was my only hope, as I could never reach that way up. So hopelessly I threw the hook over the wall. Being small; it reached way beyond the wall and came down swiftly to get strongly stuck there. I held the thread in my hand, but it was getting shorter by time as the wall kept growing higher. I took the end of the thread and wrapped it tightly around my right hand, and started climbing up using my left hand. And as I started, I thought; how long would it hold on to me… it’s already cut through my skin… and as my left hand went up the thread, it coloured it in red… the part that was wrapped around my right hand was soaking red already… it was a long way up…
When I turned to look down, I saw the pages that I wrote; scattered on the ground. And from this distance I could see that the words haven’t faded this time! It was clear even from here where I hanged… I looked up again to see my bloody hands, and I could see a ray of light coming from over the wall… but my words are back… but it’s a long way down… and a long way up…

Missing YOU

Head full of all sorts of worries and thoughts, a heart so anxious that its beats echo all over my body, eyes so blurry that all ahead is just coloured clouds filling the space around…
A heavy hand moves upwards, and on the way up it reaches for the aching stomach and troubled guts, but that’s not the point…still making its way up, and runs into the throbbing heart, shivering; there’s no use trying to bring peace there…there’s just no way to do it…instead, the heart just poured some deranged pulse into my hand, simply declaring that for now…this is all it can grant…
Leaving the heart behind, my hand moved further up until it came across my throat…where the pain is so severe that my hand jumped far beyond that, touching my head where the thoughts and worries lay helpless and disarrayed…there is that thought about the clouds ahead of me, and I remembered now…my hand was heading for my eyes…
As my hand moves slowly down for my eyes, a big red cloud starts to fill the whole space. It grows in my right eye turning black at the center and slightly red at the corner of my eye. Do I really want to do this?!! Should I wait until… I know You would… but no, I will do this, I want to see You coming… You will not be another coloured cloud moving closer, even if I would eventually figure You out… No… I WANT to see You coming… Your face, Your eyes, Your hands… the way You look at me as if You’re reaching for the deepest part of my soul… the way Your eyes say that they know and there’s nowhere to hide anymore… I want to see Me, because You are my one true mirror… You’ve become my existence that I so longed to find…
So here I go, I’ve made up my mind… and like many times before… I will take my tears in my hand, carry it to that desolate and barren heart of mine to make it live again… my last hope before I do that is to find room for some more tears yet left.

undefined state of happiness

been so happy lately for no good reason at all :) but being happy is good .... regardless that there's no need to be happy really; now this is something I can be worried about I mean there are reasons why I should be happy, but it's not the actual reason why I feel happy at the moment and if I went deeper into it, and gave it a little thought I'll finally realize that I shouldn't at all be happy on the contrary I should be very concerned and upset and this brings me to anther thing, is happiness a choice? do people choose to be happy?? I might say that I do that, most of the time I choose to be happy like when something happens and it is supposed to be very sad and upsetting but it's being analyzed in a way to make it quite the opposite (of course it's me who do the analysis) so, I end up feeling happy and satisfied when I'm supposed to be angry and mad and raging with fury.... this is different of course from being inconsiderate or shallow.... but when you're the kind of person who can be easily wrapped up in your sadness and misery, you'll do everything you can to avoid being there... what is really annoying and can get right out of this mood of unexplained happiness, is taxi drivers.... God bless hem :S but, instead I started to try a different strategy now, and that is talking to the guy (an advice from a very wise man) I'm never afraid of talking to strangers as long as it's not at night, a rather quiet street or on a public transportation (I believe that it's a smart and easy way to be robbed, someone talking to you and having your full attention while another gets all they want from your handbag or whatever) but the taxi is not public, it's supposed to be a decent private means of transportation; but of course when you get on the taxi and smell the horrible odor of both the vehicle and the driver, you get stunned instantly (I do) and when he starts to go on his way, and you find it hard to even hear your phone ringing because of the noise coming out of every part of the car ...... and the driver; who's always playing something in whatever he uses to play songs (I tried to figure it out so many times but i never succeeded as i never saw 2 similar devices, it's not a cassette player or a radio, it's ....... whatever.....) so, you're stunned and then startled by the noise bursting out from all around you; and then you are numb for the rest of the way finally, you NEVER reach your destination because it's always a long, hard, and winding road :| i mean u NEVER get where you want no way you would.... are you expecting the taxi to take you just everywhere and anywhere?!!! can't you be grateful he got you just as close.... what's wrong with humans?!!!!!!!!!! are they always as greedy as that, can't they ever have enough?!!!!!!!!!!!! can't you use your feet and legs while you can!!!!!!!!!!!!! after the long and rather tiring journey, you're safe and sound ....and moreover disciplined... and you become more considering, appreciative and aware of your duties towards your fellow taxi drivers so, by recently talking with taxi drivers and having rather long conversations with them I can say that they are humans after all .... a very strange category of humans though ..... very amusing and imaginative, excellent narrators and the best thing about that (having that conversation), is getting safe and sound out of that taxi and paying a rather fair fare :D and most of the time being asked not to pay at all (but they take the money eventually of course) this is ideal for long distance rides as you'll amuse yourself for a while, and you won't have to pay all you got for that :) so, by getting over most of the taxi drivers, I can say that there's no reason at all to get me out of the undefined mood of happiness :D THANK GOD! a very Important note: I wrote this note on 11th of April, and now I can say that the good feeling's gone......I hate taxis, taxi drivers, any one who dares to tell me to get on a taxi or who takes a taxi themselves :S but, it never got me out of the undefined and dominant feeling of happiness :D curse you taxi driversssssssssssss :@

a change of mind . . . so what?!!!

I thought I would never do that, I was so convinced I was right, I had all the reasons to support me all the way! But after a while I changed my mind...so what?!!! And I do that all the time! Why changing one’s mind is is always considered weakness or a kind of hesitance; a fault, and people should be blamed for changing their mind! Why do people think you're wrong if you changed your mind about a certain thing, thought or situation! I have always had my mind changing for as long as I can remember, and I never thought it was wrong if you change your mind. Change is the only thing that never changes in life; there's always a change in something and all things have got to change at a certain point if not all the time. Then why people grant themselves the right to judge those who change their minds?! Isn’t change natural? Why then in this particular case it is considered wrong and not preferred or sometimes allowed! I think changing your mind is healthy in a way. And it's unfair if you never changed your mind, because you will be simply a one-way thinking person; not giving your thoughts a second chance to grow and develop!!!...and CHANGE! Right?! and maybe sometimes it's good to change your mind...and obviously right, but just for the sake of the concept people stick to their heads and become stubborn so no one might never ever say they changed their mind; as if it's a shame to do so!!! Changing your mind is really helpful and useful. I know people whose life is really messed up because of that they never like to change their mind! People who don't talk to each other, friends, families, and it's all because no one wants to admit that deep down they want to change their mind but they just can't! Sometimes pride and dignity overwhelm us; poor miserable humans, making us think we're the ultimate persons ever lived! well, just taking a look at all who passed away, and realising we can overlook so many unimportant things in life, to be brave enough to change our mind, and never being ashamed of having second thoughts. People sometimes seek help on how to hold on to their opinions and thoughts, when they are ought to get a lot of help on how to be more flexible and accept the fact that they might after all change their mind. I think I might change my mind later about this whole thing, and think the way people are thinking....who knows!!! I definitely don't! But I think I might Because it's my right to change my mind

just an extraordinary man

He is my knight in a shining armor…my hero…my angel…my savior…my inspiration… He’s been my companion for years, my true friend and soul mate…

He was there with me when I was a little girl, and as I grew up he was guiding me and was the one to supply my mind and soul with so many noble, classic and chivalry thoughts and manners…that despite the life we’re living, still breathing somewhere inside of me. Today is a special day…and I decided I might talk about him just a little bit.

Well, first I’d like to take a few lines to describe him…how he looked and how he was…
He was a fairly tall, well built and a rather handsome fellow With fair hair and light coloured eyes; sparkling eyes…eyes that used to look at you in a way as if saying “hello, nice to meet you” and actually meaning it…smart eyes that were always observing and wandering; memorizing… His cheeks were red; it’s not as if he looked childish but he had a fair -enough- complexion that made every detail in his face as clear as the sun, and his cheeks were always in a raised position where you might think they’re about to touch his lower eyelashes at a certain point as he smiled…and it seemed as if he was born smiling, for the smile was barely off his face. And two very lovely dimples (I love dimples) that used to show off as he smiled; that’s how he looked…

He was a true knight and a great rider. And above that, he had all the noble characteristics of a proper knight. He was a true honest man, a light hearted one too. He was usually mistaken for an ordinary funny and romantic guy, one who only thought of love and romance. Hardly anyone ever saw through what he was thinking or talking about all the time. And this I learned from him; I don’t have to say it out loud and clear unless it’s worth it and I’m sure it’ll make the difference it’s supposed to make; other than that, I’ll say it my way and those who’ll get it, are those who are meant for that…and nothing else matters.
He made a joke out of everything in life, even if the joke had to be on him or the ones he loved. At a certain point in his life, for the sake of the joke; he’d have gladly given his life.
He was a very loving son to a brilliant father, who was in fact only a more sophisticated version of his son! And yet was so simple and raw that you might never notice how deep he really was. Once he was supposed to finish a book written by his father after he had died (his father was a well noted poet and writer). His father wrote about 400 pages and there were about a 100 more to go. He had it finished in 10 pages! And it didn’t feel so much different, they said. It felt all the same as if written by the father but only very much summarized! What a man!

He was the first to tell me about Love in all its forms. He was the reason why I’m enjoying my life to the fullest. He was the first to tell me that love was not only a way to get a guy; but a way to live life lovingly…he was the one who told me that I better not waste my emotions unless I was a thousand percent sure, and that it’s not wrong to confess Love even if you won’t be with your love after all, just letting people know about the Love in your heart is the point; possession is nothing of Love. Love means freedom; and it cannot live imprisoned, neither possessed. He taught me how to keep my love in my heart and mind. And never let go of memories that one day meant the whole world. Because there might come a day when I might need those memories; when they would probably be my only companion.
He showed me the greater kind of Love; Love for your home and where you grew up, Love for your family in which you have no choice, Love for the sake of Love itself. He showed me that for Love, I should gladly give my life…even if it meant to be killed by the hands of those I loved…again it’s all about ALL the Love in the world! He showed me how to forgive, even if I never loved; no matter how big the mistake was, simply because forgiveness is the noblest of all human feelings. And he also showed when to never forgive or forget, no matter how small the fault was.

Now; I’m really grateful for this. Among the things he taught me was a brilliant way to spend any class sleeping without anyone noticing it! Or how to trick some people into a certain….no, I won’t say that…it’s a trick! He believed that no one needs anything to be creative in something, because it’s all about faith…in God & yourself to start!
He is my all time favorite person, and I bet if he had lived till this day…I would wanted to be his shadow, just his shadow…but he came and gone before my time but never even slightly failed to capture my heart, mind, tears and laughs….
He made me cry till I had no more tears in my eyes to shed
He made me laugh till I felt that I’m just one laugh away from losing my breath forever

I’ve been with many people in his company….and creatures! Not just many people; ALL kinds of people
I’ve been with kings, queens, knights, poets, great writers, rebels, riots, warriors, leaders, lovers, liars, tramps, actors, doctors, even fishermen, undefined characters; and they’re countless…but somehow they found their way in his world.
I’ve even been with Angels and Devils…

If it were for me, I’d say he’s the most decent, intellect, sweet-mannered, hilarious, romantic and realistic writer ever lived in this country. I have to stop here, or I’ll never stop.

On a day like this one, he was born; to make my life only slightly different
Killed by those whom he loved & defended, till his last breath!...
what a life!!! May God bless his soul, may he rest in peace…I’m sure he is.

ماذا سيكون تأثير الموت علي؟
وعلى الآخرين؟ لا شيء..
ستنشر الصحافة نبأ موتي
كخبر مثير ليس لأني مت
بل لأن موتي سيقترن
بحادثة مثيرة.

يوسف السباعي

من رواية طائر بين المحيطين 1971

totally pointless

I’ve been so speechless lately; can’t speak or even think of something to say or write. I can’t even proceed with anything I started earlier. I really have no idea why that happened, but possibly because lately I feel like I lost my muse or I am rather trying to deny it; yes that’s it, denial …or maybe I’m still finding it hard to believe that I realized what I now know and understand…I don’t know…and suddenly I was attacked by a lot of thoughts that at a certain moment I thought I might break down or something till I decided to let it out in words, because most of the time when things are just in your head you can’t look at them in a way that helps you to understand what they want from you; if you can do that anyway

Still the same old idea of being weak and attached to something so much and being unable to let it go, which makes one do things that might sound ok at the time, but by the time you are sober; you start wondering how you could do that?! A dilemma I’d say…still can’t figure it out

And then, why do people always find it hard to take life as it is, and fit them selves into it
And just simply give up the idea of trying to change the world!!!!!! Or changing people or asking them to change or even hoping they would change!!!

This is so selfish!
In fact I consider that more selfish than any other thing in the world; when you want to change the world for your own sake
And asking someone to change is just awful
People can change if they want it, but they would never change when they’re asked to
People would know what to change especially if you overlook their faults or even praise it
People will change by love, tenderness and faith
Or not change at all; what the hell is wrong with that! Accept it and live with it as long as it’s not hurting anybody!

But what’s really irritating is realizing that you could possibly do things that were always against your believes and morals; not realizing that you are actually doing it
But at a certain point of your life, when you step outside yourself and look back at you; you can see clearly that you ARE doing it and you’re not even feeling guilty about it but it sometimes gives your pleasure doing this thing

What comes last but not least is the importance of realizing how small we are in the universe, compared to any other creation…tiny, meaningless and not at all of the least importance
I’ve always believed that Man is nothing compared to rocks and mountains (What are men to rocks and mountains?... Jane Austen)
I think this is what we need to realize that life is so short and that what ever we try to do we will never be fair enough to at least ourselves, and being fair to your self is all your life is about
So why live an uncompleted life? Live and die without doing most of the things we want to do! Die with just a half-lived life? I believe most people live this way, or maybe all of them except very few. I wanted to be one of the very few but I failed utterly. I wanted to stop trying to live it as I think I should, but I failed myself again. And I’m going to give it one more try…
Imagine if you were able to say or do everything you want to; without keeping anything unsaid or undone because it's not making sense or because it's not the right time to say or do so, or even because you think it's useless to say it anyway. So what if it were useless to say something; wouldn't hurt if you say it, right? So why not say it in such a case. If it's not the right time to say it; can you guarantee that's you'll live till the right time comes? If it's not making sense; let me ask where's the sense in saying good morning or good night to someone? I cannot see any sense in that, except sometimes if you say it in a way that you really care, and it can brighten up someone's face! And even light up his life!
Totally pointless…I’m stepping back inside…

what a life !

A couple of days ago I was walking in mansheya and mahatet el raml
I was walking for quite some time , like 4 or 5 hours
and for the first time I noticed that there were lots of very old people
they all look so alike that I thought I've seen the same person more than once
which made me pay more attention to people's faces
for the first time in my life I was walking and all I really did was stare people in the face
Really I just kept walking for like 2 hours just watching people
I even took the little yellow tram when I was following an old lady
and I even found more old ladies there , they were all so thin that I couldn't even be sure they had bones inside!! most of them barely had teeth
there eyes were so small, reminded me of elephants' eyes
and their skin is coated I don't know how , but really feels like its coated with straw mat
all ladies or men looked alike, yes men and women
it's like many people of the same person !!
I didn't know how I felt then, first I was surprised but then when I thought about it I felt really upset, and felt really bad about myself
these old people I've seen, none of them was under 60 years old (if not at least 70) and they were still working to make a living and make money at least for themselves!!
They were still fighting in life in a way they shouldn't, simply because they're too old to do this!! They ought to have been retired by now! But if they did that they would certainly die of at least hunger! they wont find someone who would pay for food, healthcare, and shelter which are the simple basics of life for all people especially for those
I think as much as we care for orphans, these people too need lots and lots of attention
because there are many of them living without any family
just an old man or lady living in a room somewhere with no relatives at all!! This could be the cruelest thing anyone can go through…
Would I like to end up like this??!! Would you?!! This is the only thing I could come out with...