I walked down that street again… I never thought I’d miss this place… I never realized I really missed it till I was there; just one-last-time more…
But today, there was no sun shining over my head, no heat burning my skin, no glare to blind my eyes. But there was wind; so strong that I thought it might rip my clothes apart. There were dark clouds; so heavy with rain that I feared it might collapse over me any moment. There was thunder that made me think I lost my ears after each time it called my name. There was water everywhere… I could not see the ground… why did I want to see it anyway!!!.... Yes! I was looking for something. But I didn’t know what it was I’m looking for…
As I looked down, I saw my reflection in the water. There I stood; with my hair tied behind my neck, and coming down my right shoulder… my eyes were red, as if I haven’t slept for days… there was a big scar in my forehead, which seemed fresh, and not yet totally healed… my skin was as pale as a corpse left in the cold for months… my coat was wet and muddy…what on earth have I been doing to myself?!!! I had a bag hanging down my left shoulder.
I took the bag in my hands, opened it to see what was inside. There was a notebook; that’s the first thing I could see. I took it out; I knew this notebook like I knew myself… or even better. I knew what was written on each and every page. But when I opened it, I couldn’t read. The words were all so blurry… there wasn’t a single word I could read… my hand moved over the pages; and not so surprisingly they were soaking wet!!! It fell from my hand… and I felt my heart falling away with it…I didn’t even move a muscle to try to get it from where it fell… instead; I kept checking what else was in my bag.
The first thing that came out in my hand was a scrap of paper; old and torn with age, it seemed… with only a date on it. I put it back there… I knew what it meant to me. This was the proof I existed back then… without it, I’d have been dead long before now. My hands searched the bag again; and out came a book. The book I’ve read over a hundred times. I couldn’t help the smile from showing on my face. I was about to open the book, when suddenly lightening struck; so bright almost blinding me for a second. I knew that in a few seconds I’d be hearing the most fearsome sound I ever heard… what’s the hurry for?!.... My hands; still holding on to my book moved over my ears, desperately trying to block the sound. But it called again. This time louder and clearer than any time before. It shook up the deepest part of me, I even felt my heart paused then until the sound was gone. I looked at the clouds, still heavy with rain…but it wouldn’t come down yet.
I looked back at my book; I wanted to open it… But I was even more afraid to find that the words might have been faded like mine. So frightened I opened it, and to my surprise; it opened exactly on my favourite line… ” You mean, dont you, that I am the first man that has ever taken you quite seriously?” I heard a laugh… but I doubted it was actually me; laughing…
Feeling rather satisfied, I closed the book and put it back in my bag. And when I was getting my hand out, it got stuck. Something caught my sleeve in there. I tried to pull my hand out, and as it moved out I felt my sleeve being torn apart!!! I put in my other hand; more cautiously this time, trying to find out what caught my hand in there. It came out so tiny, shiny and sharp. A small hook tied to a thin thread.
With the hook still in my hand, I remembered I was looking for something which I didn’t know. I started walking again, but I stepped over something as I started to walk. I looked down and it was my notebook which I never cared to pick up or even see where it landed… I stepped over it, still looking down and trying to remember what I came here to look for. My left hand moved over my forehead, feeling the scar that I saw just a while ago. It hurt when I touched it. I had no idea how it came to me… or when! I walked for hours and hours, but still I couldn’t remember what I was looking for.
And when I raised my head, I saw a wall; not so far from where I stood. It looked familiar from this distance. I felt that something was pushing me there, so, slowly I started to run. My feet felt lighter as I approached that wall. And the pain in my head just grew stronger and stronger… as I got closer; the wall seemed to grow higher! So I started to run faster. And when I finally got there, it was growing even faster than before. I remembered the hook in my hand. It was small, but it was my only hope, as I could never reach that way up. So hopelessly I threw the hook over the wall. Being small; it reached way beyond the wall and came down swiftly to get strongly stuck there. I held the thread in my hand, but it was getting shorter by time as the wall kept growing higher. I took the end of the thread and wrapped it tightly around my right hand, and started climbing up using my left hand. And as I started, I thought; how long would it hold on to me… it’s already cut through my skin… and as my left hand went up the thread, it coloured it in red… the part that was wrapped around my right hand was soaking red already… it was a long way up…
When I turned to look down, I saw the pages that I wrote; scattered on the ground. And from this distance I could see that the words haven’t faded this time! It was clear even from here where I hanged… I looked up again to see my bloody hands, and I could see a ray of light coming from over the wall… but my words are back… but it’s a long way down… and a long way up…
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